dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
