Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
