I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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