I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
