Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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