I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
