That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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