Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
