Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
