I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
