she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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