Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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