When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
how drunk are you?
Several
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
