I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
