At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
