He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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