I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
