I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I fill condoms, not promises.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
