Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
