good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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