hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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