You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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