he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
