Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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