Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Who died my cat blue again?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
