Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
