I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
