Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
