i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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