i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
