Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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