somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
