So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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