The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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