apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
