i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
