Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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