I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
