I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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