How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Randomize
