is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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