Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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