He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
