Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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