If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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