Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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