true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
