someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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