Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook