I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
