My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
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Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
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I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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