i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
