i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
