now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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