so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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