So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
