Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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