Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
only you would photoshop your dick
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
